Choosing a Path for Your Child in Sports—All Things are Sold

In his essay on Compensation, Ralph Waldo Emerson writes about the dualistic nature of the world we live in. He states, “For every thing you have missed, you have gained something else; and for every thing you gain, you lose something… In nature nothing can be given, all things are sold.”

As our life experience grows, most of us realize the essential truth of Emerson’s views on compensation. As discussed elsewhere in this blog (You're NOT too Small, Heavy, or Slow!), compensation plays an important role in an athlete’s success. An athlete, small in stature, may also possess extraordinary quickness; one who is slow may have exceptional strength. These compensatory attributes often provide athletes with different paths to success.

But as a parent or coach, have you also considered the compensatory effect of your choices? Have you considered how the same excesses that lead to athletic “success” may also exact an equal or greater price? Do you know what you’re selling?

Take for example a high school girl’s varsity basketball team that I helped coach during its “Open Gym” and Fall League preseason. The head coach, a friend with whom I played years ago, is a knowledgeable, hardnosed disciplinarian. In pursuing excellence, he’s more likely to chastise a player’s mistake than compliment one’s success. Fun is secondary to work. The preseason commitment for players, stretching over a three-month period, involved three voluntary two-hour practices and one game per week. Perfectly legal under the by-laws of our state’s high school association, the time commitment of these preseason activities approached that of my regular high school basketball season many years ago. Under the grind of this heavy preseason schedule and my friend’s uncompromising coaching style, a number of girls quit (and still others considered doing so).

So in the balanced equation that is Emerson’s law of compensation, what do these players gain and what do they lose?

I fully expect that this team will enjoy greater success on the court. (It’s already evident in their early season record.) They will win more games than they otherwise would under many other coaches. They will take pride in their accomplishments, appreciate how hard work has prepared them for success, and possibly apply this lesson to other parts of their lives. With their shared sacrifice, they may enjoy an even closer bond with their teammates. And for a few, the likelihood of a college scholarship may be improved.

But to the opposite, a price is also paid. Girls who might have enjoyed the high school basketball experience (and still succeeded on the court) were lost early on. In at least one instance, participation in anther sport was sacrificed. For some, the tough, critical coaching style may diminish the experience as a whole. What should be a fun, rewarding, and successful experience, may instead become a chore—just one more activity to list on their college application. Players may “burn out” later in the season. More troubling is the potential long-term effect on each girl’s desire to continue playing sports. I suspect that many of the girls on this team, though appreciating their high school basketball experience, may never want to pick up a ball again once their “career” is over. The enjoyment and health benefits of continued adult participation will be lost.

So what’s the best path? Do the benefits justify the excesses and price paid? In the example cited above, are the possible rewards worth the long practices, extended season, and other sacrifices made by the players? That’s for every administrator, coach, parent, and athlete to decide. But it’s a decision that should be made with full awareness of what’s lost to the path not taken.

For my part, I believe that the type of high school experience I described above is too skewed towards the work/sacrifice component. I suspect that it’s not atypical of many other high school sports programs that have morphed into coach-driven, all consuming extracurricular activities. Sports seasons today are too long, participation in other high school sports is diminished, and joy too often sucked out of the young athletes who want to participate in organized sports at this higher level. Self-directed play is also a casualty of the extensive time commitment associated with today’s organized sports activities.

Maybe I’m wrong about this. Possibly the girls on my friend’s team will enjoy their season and learn valuable life lessons. Maybe they will see their sacrifices as worthwhile. It will be interesting to follow these girls over the next several years and to learn what each of them thinks in retrospect about her experience.

But in regard to youth sports, coaches and parents should undoubtedly seek a more balanced approach—one that protects joy, while also encouraging a child to begin appreciating the importance of hard work and its connection to success. Positive coaching and parental support, with an age-appropriate emphasis on winning, should dominate the organized youth sports experience. Encouraging excesses early on, and paying the compensatory price, is simply a wrong-headed approach. For each parent and coach, the goal is to help each child achieve his or her potential while also preserving the long-term benefits (joy, continued participation, health) for every child!

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The Joy of Youth Sports—the Sports Parent Gift that Keeps on Giving

Would you like to help a sports parent discover how his or her child can enjoy success in sports? Do you have a “problem” sports parent on your Christmas list? (You know, the Mom or Dad who yells at referees, complains about the coach, or is convinced a college scholarship is waiting for his or her star.)

The Joy of Youth Sports makes a great gift for all sports parents. And it's one that keeps giving long after the holiday season is over.

Available on Amazon for only $8.95, this easy read describes five steps to a great youth sports experience—the one that not only maximizes athletic abilities, but also helps a child develop life skills and a joyful appreciation for playing sports.

It’s not too late to save a child! :-)



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Community

Playing sports provides you with many benefits including fun, physical exercise, competition, and an outlet to express yourself. When you get together with your friends in the backyard or driveway for a pickup game, you probably also enjoy the camaraderie—the warm feeling of good fellowship we get when we share an experience with others. To varying degrees, most of us take pleasure in this sense of community.

In both individual and team sports, pickup or organized, you will find many opportunities to be part of an enjoyable shared experience. In some cases you will find others that share the same passion for your sport—who enjoy its beauty and flow, competing to win, or the challenge of testing one’s abilities against personal limits or some standard of performance. With these individuals you often find friendship based on this common bond. In other instances, casual or less skilled players may have a limited interest in playing, but do so mainly because they enjoy being part of a group.

In team sports, your teammates share the experience with you. In games with your friends, everybody enjoys the shared friendly competition. But even in more serious competitive situations, with opponents you do not know, there is often a mutual respect based on everyone’s shared passion and enjoyment of the sport. You and your opponent are both part of the same community.

Individual sports also provide an opportunity for community—each competitor respectful of the other’s similar passion and commitment. Individual competitors can even find a sense of team between each other in certain situations. For example, two competitive tennis players representing rival schools may find themselves supporting and rooting for each other in a distant tournament.

In team sports, try to minimize internal cliques (i.e., small groups) and their often destructive effect on the chemistry of your team. Find and promote shared common ground with all of your teammates. If you’re in a position to lead, try to recognize potential disruptions within your team before they grow and take hold. A key word from you to another player may be all that’s needed to short-circuit a potential problem.

As you grow older, and begin to experience more injuries or responsibilities that take you away from your game, you will come to value the communal aspect of sports even more. In your pursuit of excellence, always try to respect your teammates, opponents and the game itself. Recognize and appreciate that you are all part of the same community, and that your sport makes the reward of this shared experience possible.

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Games Are Rarely Decided by the Refs

While watching a game from the stands, you will see missed or bad calls made by the referee or umpire. Sometimes the referee’s mistakes will seem to come in bunches or possibly at a crucial moment in a contest. But before you lose control and scream at the referee’s incompetence, keep in mind that most games and matches are rarely decided by poor calls. Almost always, the results are based on player performance.

Within each game, there are countless opportunities for your child’s team to exert its dominance over the other. Besides making the necessary physical plays, eliminating even a few of the many mental mistakes that occur in a game can often dictate who wins. Consider the number of errors made by your child and team over the course of the game, compared to the relatively few made by the game’s referees. Yes, referees can place their imprint on a game. Sometimes as a contest winds down, a single bad call makes a difference. But in the end, the game’s outcome is usually controlled and decided by the players performance (over the entire game)—not the referees.

One of the unfortunate aspects of youth sports is the behavior of some parents in the stands. As it relates to referees, certain parents will not only criticize the referees for actual mistakes made, but also for proper calls that go against their child or team. Sometimes parents do this out of misguided parental interest in their child’s success while other times they don’t understand the actual rules of the game. Even worse, some parents see referees as their personal whipping dog, an opportunity to let go of their day’s frustrations.

Almost everyone makes a critical comment here and there—sports are emotional for both the child and parent. But when a parent loudly and constantly berates a referee on every call that goes against his or her child, it’s time to step back and recognize the parent’s behavior for what it is—rude and unacceptable. This conduct sets a bad example for children and runs counter to the principles of every youth and scholastic program. Among the reasons why this behavior is harmful is that a child sees their parent assigning blame to the referee instead of where it typically belongs—with the player or team. In place of teaching the child accountability, the parent’s behavior is promoting a detrimental “victim” mentality.

If you find yourself headed down this path, either don’t attend your child’s games or do a better job of controlling your behavior. Try to appreciate and enjoy the game in its entirety—not just from a win/loss perspective or one that overemphasizes the natural interest that you have in seeing your child succeed. Focus more on how your child is playing compared to the last time and whether your child is playing up to his or her demonstrated potential.

When the inevitable bad calls occur, view them as just one more obstacle that your child must overcome and carefully watch how your child responds. Your goal is to help instill a champion’s heart in your child.

Support your child by behaving in a way that builds his or her character and remember that most games aren’t decided by the referee’s poor calls.

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Why We Play, Watch, and Coach

I recently finished coaching a middle school basketball team in our YMCA’s summer league. The end came quickly for my team—we lost the first game in our season-ending tournament. The game was close and the final outcome was decided in the last few seconds. And as often occurs in these close contests, the human drama was compelling.

What still amazes me about these hard-fought games is how disappointment, elation, failure, and success can all be compressed into a few minutes (occasionally seconds) within a single game. Moments unexpectedly stack one upon another, pressure exerts its influence, and advantage swings from one team to another. In this unlikely cascade of events, we often see character revealed. And sometimes we’re fortunate enough to witness behavior from the youngest of us that renews our faith in who we are and what we can be.

To this end, I want to talk about the boys on my team and some of the events that happened in this last game of our season.

Typical of the YMCA’s youth basketball programs, kids of varying ages and abilities were represented on each team. My team included two younger brothers of a boy I previously coached (who is now a talented junior on the local high school basketball team). The youngest is only going into sixth grade, but because of his skills and maturity was allowed to play with the older boys. Both are excellent players who are a joy to coach. The other boys on the team, like most young athletes, have their own set of unique abilities and weaknesses.

In the tournament game, our young sixth grade point guard played exceptionally well. It’s special to watch a smallish boy fearlessly drive into the lane and challenge a tall opponent—to watch as he gracefully shifts the ball to his outstretched, left hand and then lays the ball off the backboard for a basket. David versus Goliath. There’s a noble quality associated with this type of performance that always appeals to us. Throughout the game, this young boy demonstrated skill, composure, and tough-mindedness well beyond his small stature and young age. His older brother played equally well, dogging his opponent on defense and making key baskets when we needed them.

But this story isn’t really about the two athletic brothers. It’s about Adam, another boy who is more representative of the type of young player who participates in these leagues.

I’ve coached Adam for the past two years. He’s developed from an energetic, unskilled player to one who played an indispensable role on our team this summer. Adam is not especially athletic or tall. His ball handling, shooting, passing, and defensive skills are average at best.

But Adam has a unique talent. He is one of those few players who relentlessly pursues every rebound and loose ball. He plays with exceptional heart. It’s both astonishing and fun to watch this type of player. There are times against taller, bigger opponents when you just shake your head in amazement, turn to your assistant coach and say, “Do you believe Adam just got that rebound?!”

Adam, for his part, doesn’t really seem to appreciate his own unique ability. He sees the other good players making three point baskets and wants to be that type of player. To his credit, he’s improved his outside shooting and ball-handling. But this is not how he will make his high school’s junior varsity squad should he decide to try out for the team.

Now that you have an idea about the type of player Adam is, let’s get on with the story about the game and Adam’s role in its outcome.

We were playing well and leading for most of the game. But towards its end, required substitutions and excellent play by our opponent resulted in our lead dwindling to one point with twenty seconds remaining. Having been fouled, one of my players was at the foul line shooting a one-and-one.

And then everything began to fall apart. The boy missed the shot, our opponents got the rebound, and Adam foolishly tried to steal the ball. A foul was called on Adam. With no time going off the clock (and with me shaking my head in disbelief), the boy from the other team walked to the other end of the court and made the front-end of his one-and-one free throw opportunity. He then missed the second shot. But our opponent got the rebound, and within several more seconds scored another two points to go up by two. In just fourteen seconds, we saw our potential three point lead dissolve into a two point deficit.

With six seconds remaining, the other coach decided to call a timeout to set up his team’s defense. Adam walked slowly over to the bench, hanging his head. I yelled out, “Adam, get your head up. The game’s not over. You might still have an opportunity to score.”

And prophetically, after play resumed, our point guard quickly moved the ball up, saw Adam open just inside the foul line and passed him the ball. With less than two seconds left, Adam took a short jumper. It was nice looking shot. It easily could have gone in. But instead, the ball hit the back of the rim, momentarily rolled around, and then fell out as the buzzer sounded to end the game.

After the two teams shook hands, I gathered my players and took a moment to congratulate them on their excellent play. And, of course, I complimented Adam on his outstanding rebounding and effort.

Shortly after the game, I approached Adam and his dad. After talking with his dad for a few minutes, I turned to Adam and again complimented him on the way that he had played.

“But coach, I lost the game,” he said.

At that moment, the opposing coach happened to be walking by, overheard Adam, and stopped. He gently asked him how many minutes were in the game prior to the last 20 seconds. He asked him how many opportunities there were for Adam’s teammates to make the key plays that could have also won the game.

For my part, I reminded Adam that all of the great players fail at some point—everyone fails. I’m not sure if Adam took much consolation in my words, but I loved what happened next.

One of Adam’s friends, who looked to be a basketball player for their high school, was behind him listening to our conversation. Without hesitation, he said, “Yeah Adam, remember what happened to me last year?” He then went on to describe the game situation in which he had failed to make a key play that would “have won the game.” This boy honestly related to Adam’s failure and stepped up to try and ease Adam’s disappointment.

In a game filled with special moments and uplifting performances, this may have been the best one.


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Provide Team Structure

An effective youth coach provides his players with a basic foundation of team structure. This typically takes the form of offensive and defensive sets/formations, plays, and practice drills.

I've described in previous posts how beginners benefit from assigned roles and a simplified framework in which they can contribute and succeed. In much the same way, but at a higher level, your players will benefit from a shared team structure.

Most children respond best in an environment that provides both a secure “home base” and opportunities to explore new ground, gain fresh experiences, and learn more advanced skills. The comfort zone of team structure reduces uncertainty and can provide a wellspring of fallback behaviors that can win the day in difficult, stressful circumstances. Team structure also helps instill a sense of order and discipline that innately appeals to most young athletes. You should remember that part of the appeal of youth sports to children is that these activities are structured fun.

At the beginning of each practice and game, your players should automatically follow established warm-up routines. Not only do these structured activities help a player loosen up, but they also help the child enter into the proper mental state of readiness for the upcoming practice or game.

Coaches differ greatly on their offensive philosophy. Some believe in scripting every movement within plays while other coaches support a more unstructured, read and react “freelance” approach. Even if you let your players freelance within an offense, you should provide an offensive set (formation) to initiate the play sequence. In addition, provide some basic plays for your team. These sets and plays represent a team structure that your players can fall back to in difficult game situations.

As you teach teamwork and team skills, remember that you are always creating structure. You are weaving a connective arrangement of behaviors and outcomes. The more effective your instruction, the stronger these connections will become. This, in turn, will build a sense within your players of having control over their environment. They will grasp how a certain stimulus evokes a certain response. They will develop confidence that their knowledge provides them with a resource to handle even the most difficult moments in a game. And finally, they will have a base of structured understanding that will prepare them to learn even more.

Be careful to avoid overuse of structure and set plays as this can inhibit your players’ personal development. Ultimately, you want to teach your players self-reliance. You want them to have the capacity to fully react and adapt to new situations on their own. For many boys and girls participating in youth sports, the best outcome is the ability to continue playing and enjoying their sport well into their adult years. If you can provide this knowledge, you have done well.


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